ten thousand miles [spn][author's notes]

[mimblexwimble]

Stop. Before you do anything (even grab some more tissues/kill me) go here and tell tripoli8 how awesome she is for the absolutely gorgeous art. I had my own private happy-dance when I saw what she’d made, and it lasted for a couple of hours at least. It's better than anything I could ever have imagined.

Thanks to paxlux for the super beta job and for helping me get out of those tight corners I managed to push the story into. Your awesomeness defies the laws of life. This story is all the better because of you! <3 Thanks to my sister, shescheeky for reading the very first, uncut draft and for all the positive feedback. I would have given up before I’d even started without you. Thanks to lemanya for the prompt and for not bashing me over the head – when you said I could put this on a shelf till June if I had to, I don’t think you meant it literally. Can’t get away without mentioning my flist, who provided ideas when my brain was too fried to think of any.

And finally, thanks to audrarose, thehighwaywoman and wendy for running this challenge.

Okay. So.

I’m guessing some of you are probably wondering what really happened to Sam. Honest answer?

I don’t know.

I’m on the same page as Dean here, same page as you. We all have the evidence, but it’s not even close to being satisfactory. What I can tell you is that Sam did not leave of his own free will – the fact that Dean went to Hell even after Sam’s disappearance is meant to prove this.

After that? It’s up to you.

Is Sam alive?

Well, if you are going to believe what Dean believes, (that the dreams are real) then he probably is. On the other hand those dreams could just be dreams or Dean’s subconscious urging him to move on – if you take this route, then you can assume that Sam is dead. The former means that someday Dean and Sam might be reunited. The latter means that at the very least, Sam hasn’t spent years suffering. Neither option is perfect, but that wasn't the point of the story.

The dreams themselves are supposed to be symbolic. That was my intention while writing them. When Dean first has the dream, Sam tells him that he's waiting on the river bank for Charon. In Greek mythology, Charon is the ferryman of Hades, who carries the souls of the deceased across the river that divides the world of the living from the world of the dead. Dean, we know, is alive. In every dream that he has, Sam is on the same side of the river as Dean. We never see the ferryman appear. (Of course, the myth also says that the dead who were left unburied were forced to wander the shores for a hundred years. Make of that what you will. I tend to ignore it.)

Another thing I should mention here which I forgot until some brilliant users commented about it: the possibility that, when Sam is sighted in Denver, he's a ghost. The girl at the register and all the other people who saw Sam tell Dean, Bobby, Ellen and Jo that Sam didn't speak. This can be interpreted to mean that he was a spirit. If anyone is stubborn enough to remain on the living side of the river, even after death, it's Sam. You can assume that he moved on only after he was absolutely certain that Dean had moved on (or begun the process) too. This also means, then, that Dean's dreams were more visions than anything else.

Of course, it's still possible that Sam didn't say anything because he didn't want to (or, if you're feeling up to it, couldn't) and which allows you to suppose that he's still alive, somewhere.

The choice is yours.

Here's what I think: the dreams were real. Whether as a result of Sam's psychic abilities or the unbreakable bond between these two, I want to believe that in those moments, while they were both sleeping and healing, they were together. After that, I try not to mull over it too much.

Research! How much did I do? Just enough, I think. If there are any glaring errors concerning the police investigation, I'm sorry. Just getting a detective to take Sam's case seriously involved fictionalization. From what I've read, the US seems to be notoriously bad at missing persons investigations, especially in the case of an adult - like the officers tell Dean, it's not a crime to disappear and if there are no signs of foul play, the police don't ever have to look into the disappearance.

Now, let’s talk Shakespeare.

Many, many moons ago (last Christmas) I asked lemanya for a prompt. She provided the verse of King Lear which appears at the beginning of this story:

"The oldest hath borne most: we that are young
Shall never see so much nor live so long."

I’d like to say that this verse completely inspired this story, but I’d be lying. Fact is, I have never read King Lear and this verse read without the context confused me enough to make me want to figure out what was going on behind the words. What actually inspired this, then, was the ending of King Lear, and more simply, the full ending verse:

“The weight of this sad time we must obey,
Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.
The oldest hath borne most; we that are young
Shall never see so much, nor live so long.”

For those of you who are like me, and have never touched a copy of this play, can go here or here to find some information.

King Lear ends in tragedy. Only three of the major characters survive to the end. King Lear and his estranged daughter are reunited and reconciled, only for the daughter to be uselessly executed and for Lear to die of grief. Not exactly reassuring – but then, real life often isn’t either. Yet the final verse carries a semblance of hope. It seems to suggest that the worst has passed, that the future has to be better than what is being left behind. Of course, when you’re leaving behind everything that’s ever mattered, the future tends to look bleak.

So the first step was to think of a tragedy and the second step was to parallel it to the quote – leave something behind, go on to something that isn’t guaranteed to be good but is probably better (or easier) than the events leading up to that point. I’d wanted to write a story about either Sam or Dean going missing for a while before the prompt and this not only provided the opportunity, but the ending as well. In a world where the supernatural can do practically anything, it seemed to me that death (while terrible) wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to the Winchesters. Uncertainty, on the other hand, might be.

Like the ending of King Lear, the ending of this fic is really a matter of interpretation (hopeful or hopeless) but my intention was to give as promising an ending as was possible while sticking to the story I wanted to tell. I hope you all don’t hate me. I promise, this was just as painful to write as it was to read.

And now, I must go hide, in case you're all preparing to tar and feather me.

Back to Epilogue | Master Post

Comments

[llivla.livejournal.com]

What I can tell you is that Sam did not leave of his own free will – the fact that Dean went to Hell even after Sam’s disappearance is meant to prove this.
I figured as much. I decided to believe it a mix of being threatened (Lilith/some demon threatening to collect Dean early if Sam didn't meet) and then taken. Whether the fake body was Lilith/other henchman planning all of this in advance in a hope Dean would be too stricken with grief to know the difference, or knowing -Sam-, that Lilith/whoever knew Sam wouldn't stop fighting 180% unless they said Dean might think him dead and stop looking and move on (be some semblance of happy), I still don't know.

Research! How much did I do? Just enough, I think. If there are any glaring errors concerning the police investigation, I'm sorry. Just getting a detective to take Sam's case seriously involved fictionalization. From what I've read, the US seems to be notoriously bad at missing persons investigations, especially in the case of an adult - like the officers tell Dean, it's not a crime to disappear and if there are no signs of foul play, the police don't ever have to look into the disappearance.
Oh this. But when you look at the world, it's scary how horribly hopeless ANYWHERE would be. As someone with a focus in human trafficking (sexual/snuff, labor, or otherwise), there is rarely ever a happy ending even with law enforcement entering at forty eight hours. I commented in my review how much I admired you keeping that real world side hopelessness. The addition of nothing even supernatural able to give answers -- demon, psychic, spirit world, ANYTHING -- made two worlds collide and collapse and God, I wouldn't have made it. I'd have blown my brains out if I were Dean a long, long time ago faced with that horrible world.

Well, if you are going to believe what Dean believes, then he probably is. On the other hand those dreams could just be dreams or Dean’s subconscious urging him to move on – if you take this route, then you can assume that Sam is dead. The former means that someday Dean and Sam might be reunited. The latter means that at the very least, Sam hasn’t spent years suffering. Neither option is perfect, but that wasn't the point of the story.
And if isn't that just the double-edged sword to end them all. I speculated the still 'Sam' part of Sam was trying to communicate with Dean, but that it was all Dean's subconscious adds a whole 'nother level of me scrunching in a ball and crying in a corner inside.

Between this and falling for your 20 Random Facts About Sam Winchester a while back, would it be terribly tacky/fangirly of me to ask I could friend you because I love how your mind works?

[mimblexwimble.livejournal.com]

Lilith's storyline is so confusing, especially when you compare the last half of season three to season four, that I decided only to mention her and leave it at that, instead of having Dean try and dig deeper and find out who she was and what she wanted with Sam. But I like the theory that might have been something to keep Sam chained to them.

And if isn't that just the double-edged sword to end them all. I speculated the still 'Sam' part of Sam was trying to communicate with Dean, but that it was all Dean's subconscious adds a whole 'nother level of me scrunching in a ball and crying in a corner inside.

*hug*

It's taken me a terribly long time to get back to you, but (in the hopes that you're still interested) I've friended you back. ♥ Thanks so much for reading and leaving feedback!

[paxlux.livejournal.com]

LOOK AT YOU! OMG! Your awesomeness defies the laws of GRAVITY!

[mimblexwimble.livejournal.com]

*tackle-hug-glomp*

[paxlux.livejournal.com]

*tackle-hug-glomp*

[bree36.livejournal.com]

After reading your notes I feel a little better. And I have stopped crying lol. I think I will go with Sam being alive, and a month or two later Dean actually finds him, and yes he's broken but Dean makes him better and there are ponies and rainbows and cheesecake (but no pie) and they live happily ever after. Thats totally how it finishes in my head ok.

Thanks again for writing such a heartbreaking, beautiful story.

[mimblexwimble.livejournal.com]

Ponies and rainbows and cheesecake! \o/

Aw, thank you for reading, bb! ♥

[harrigan.livejournal.com]

I don't know what to say.

This was brilliantly executed and unique and painful, and everything about it was simply beyond words - so I'll quit trying. But - as hard as it is to admit this - it ended exactly right.

[mimblexwimble.livejournal.com]

Thank you so, so much!

[gwyntastic.livejournal.com]

Amazing. I loved every part of this story. Painful, confusing and raw. I liked it because it felt like something real. People go missing and it sucks and sometimes we never know why. Killer job.

[mimblexwimble.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[killabeez.livejournal.com]

Hmm, interesting. This is one of those pieces of fan fiction that so far surpasses expectations of "derivative" writing that it expands and challenges the mind and heart and I loved it for that. It's just an extraordinary piece of work, and broke my heart in a slow, terrible, inevitable and relentless way.

I kind of wish I hadn't read your author's notes now, but curiosity got the better of me. The ending is gorgeous and hurts terribly, but I found it somehow easier to deal with when I assumed (from the fact that Sam didn't talk to anyone in the town who saw him) that he was a spirit. It's interesting that you did deliberately keep Sam on the living side of the river but that it seems as though Sam isn't really among the living in the way that matters.

The progression of Dean's emotions and actions in this story blew my mind. So true, so real, so deep and believable and Dean, and the fact that you didn't falter when he came back from Hell and incorporated that into the whole picture you painted of him -- truly awesome writing and characterization. It was so hard to read him realizing that the distance between himself and Sam could never be healed, because that's what the show seems to be telling us and you just took it a few steps further.

Well, my feedback can't really express how I feel about the amazing accomplishment of this story, but thank you for a terrific and emotional experience.

[supernaturaliss.livejournal.com]

As soon as Dean had the first dream about Sam waiting for the ferryman, I thought to myself that Sam's dead, and that's he a spirit. Even after finishing the story, I was still convinced that Sam was dead. The phone call on Dean's birthday, with no voice to it, the fact that people would see him, but nothing would ever really happen or be said, everything screamed ghost to me. Like Sam and Dean were magnets trying to connect but being pushed away by another force (the realm between the living and the dead). And the end, they finally let go and move on in their respective ways. I take it more in light than darkness, that Dean and Sam will see each other someday and everything will be okay there because it's all over.

The story was absolutely fascinating and I commend you on being able to write a story and give no answers. Most people don't do it, and most people want happy endings, but sometimes a happy ending just isn't how the story should be, and it makes the story better when you don't give in and write a happy ending. I really loved the story, as heartbreaking as it was. You wrote it so well and it was just amazing.

[fufaraw]

I'm here on a rec from cofax, and honestly I don't know whether to blame her or thank her. I probably won't know for the while it takes me to walk around with this and process it.

I read the warning, started the first chapter and the writing just sucked me in despite the warning. I had to stop, fairly frequently, because of the tears and the awful racking ache. But I had to finish, I had to know. And now I've finished and there's still no knowing.

Friends took their son, 7, and daughter, 13, and her friend, also 13, on a week's vacation to the beach. While they were packing up to leave, the girls wanted to run down to the beach, a block away, one last time and were told not to go into the water and get wet, there'd be no time for showers and changing, and to be back in an hour. Neither of them was ever seen again. No remains were found. No clues ever surfaced. They were just...gone. I had babysat the daughter when she was an infant and I was 13, and this was just so hard to comprehend, so much more difficult than death by accident or illness.

A co-worker's family took their annual week's vacation, both parents and the kids. The 18 year-old had finally gotten a job he liked, where he was well-liked and depended on. He was paying for his car and insurance, and putting as much as he could aside for college. His employer couldn't spare him the week of his family's vacation, so they gave him a long list of instructions about care of the house, and left him home to mind the house and go to work. They arrived home at midnight on Saturday, and the son wasn't at home. They called his employer, who said he had clocked out at 10:30 and said he planned to go home and go to bed, since he was expecting his family home.

The dad drove to the son's workplace and found the parking lot empty, except for the son's car. The driver's door was unlocked and the gas can was missing. When they checked, the car wouldn't start because it was out of gas.

They found the gas can on the shoulder about a quarter mile away the next morning. The son was never seen again, and no remains were ever found.

These two life stories taught me two things: never take your children to the beach, and never go to the beach without your children. They also taught me how tormentingly horrific it is to not know.

I lost a son three years ago, and that hurt like nothing else in my life has hurt. But I know what happened to him. I could not hope, there was no more hope, and I could begin to deal with his loss, and his end. To not know, to never know, for hope to linger in spite of belief is so terribly much worse. I can't imagine anything more horrible.

So. This is a stunningly well-told tale that reached into the corners where awareness of that horror hides, where we stuff it and try to lock it down and believe we'll never have to look it in the face. You brought that unspeakable possibility into the light and made us face it, and whether that's a good thing or a bad one, you did it with a delicacy and grace that robbed it of none of its horror, only sharpened it a bit more.

I don't think I'll mem this. But I know I won't forget it.

[thanatoseve.livejournal.com]

Thoroughly engrossed; A tale of grievance , spectacular chilling blend from mundane to nightmare.

[mimblexwimble.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[faithintheboys.livejournal.com]

Okay so that makes me a little more optimistic. I read the end to be Dean just moving on because he had to, which wasn't all that comforting but it's something he had to do.

I really loved this and it took my mind of things for a little bit. I'm glad I stumbled upon it. The research is fine. You did an excellent job! Thanks for this!

[mimblexwimble.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading!

[phorenice.livejournal.com]

OK, I only wanted to check out the first few paragraphs before going to bed to see if it was something I'd like to read. Now it's past 4:40 am, I spent the last hour trying to process this, and I don't think I'm going to sleep after posting this, but find me some seriously happy fic instead to mend my broken heart. See, what you did to me (and judging by the other comments to everybody else)? So, yes, I might hate you a little right now, but don't worry, it'll pass and then I'll be stalking your LJ for more of your marvellous writing.
BTW, I think I'm going with dead Sam's spirit hanging around on this side of the river until he's sure Dean's going to be ok. For some reason that's more comforting to me than thinking of him alive but unable to come back to Dean. Somehow it gives me the hope that they will be reunited on the other side of the river one day. And hey! No setting Lucifer free this way!

[mimblexwimble.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I don't mind a bit of hate, it was expected. :D

Ha, there's always a silver lining! I go for the route that gives me hope too.

[glasshouseslive.livejournal.com]

Wow - you had the courage to post an open-ended, probably death fic with no real resolution. I think you are a brilliant writer, and very brave to boot. Thank you, even though I have a lump in my throat (and I know better than to read fanfic at work ;-)

I hope you didn't get any flack over it - I still have people pissed at me because I wrote a few death fics back in the day in another fandom.

[mimblexwimble.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much!

Hee, I was expecting people to be really pissed, but this fic hasn't been flamed at all. Fandom's made of strong stuff, can't deny it. :)

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

I just read this now -- I'm always late to the party -- and I wanted to let you know that I TOTALLY understand needing to tell a story even if it doesn't make you happy, and you know it won't make your readers happy, and you know it's screwed up and, well, you just can't help it. It's a beautiful story, and you did an amazing job telling it.

[mimblexwimble.livejournal.com]

Yes! Some ideas just sink their claws in, it's terribly annoying.

Thank you so much for the feedback! ♥

Posting here because I like your AN

[loupgarouangel.livejournal.com]

Damn. I had to sleep on this one because it was a lot to take in one read, especially at 3 in the morning. Let me start off by saying you have mastered every essential tool needed to write a phenomenal story. Characterization, imagery, sense fulfillment, symbolism, realistic human emotions and reactions, dialogue use and the ability to create your own beautiful style. And the FEEL of this story is unlike no other, just saw damn raw and real. But it carries a true artistic quality that amplified the ordinary into the sublime. All of these were done flawlessly, that being said from an English major who has read A LOT of short stories for classes, all regarded as classics, many lacking half of the things you manage to seamlessly put together.
Now, scholastics tend to frown upon fanfiction, saying it is unoriginal. This is a ridiculous notion as it simply takes well known characters people already have emotions for and puts them in interesting situation. What I love about your choice of situation is the dead on realism of it. You capture that twisted gut, sinking heart feeling any of us get at the mere thought of this event  occurring in our lives. That is rarely established even in well known published work, everyone wants their happy ending.
This brings me to another great aspect of the piece, it's postmodern!! Yay!! Typically in the past writers spell out everything for readers, possibly leaving a few questions here and there but not much. The latest fiction has changed that and this is a perfect example of that. We are left with nothing but questions, annoying to some, beautiful to me. Because life is full of questions, and most of them will always be unanswered, so why not relate to that in works of fiction? This IS a true story for some, that is what grounds the TRUE emotions here, it's relatable and terrifying in every aspect.
My final thoughts, if you could do the world a favor and become a professional author,it would be more then greatly appreciated. If not, please do continue writing fantastic fanfics, because you possess a true talent in writing, and it should be loved by others. Best of luck, peace.